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Here are a few jokes and funny "shorts" that I've collected. Keep in mind that I do not have anything rated over PG although some do slightly border that line.... again, it is because my site is meant for all to enjoy.
Any Takers?
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?WIFE: That's a good idea. *YOU* stand by the ironing board & *I'll*
sit on the sofa & fart...
THREE WISE WOMEN!You do know what would have happened if it had been three
wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought diapers as gifts!
Miss Bea Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer." Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
The Accident
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want tothank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you," "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek."
Ol' Fred
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read..."Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother
named Mighty Storm?"
She told him,
"Because he was conceived
during a mighty storm."
Then he asked,
"Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied,
"Well, your
father and I were in a cornfield
when we made her."
"And why is my other sister
called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching
the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and
asked her son,
"Tell me, Torn Rubber,
why are you so curious?"
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
The Patrolman Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90 mph. Wouldn't you
know, a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good
citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going,
BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhh, over 55?"
"93 mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's
speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a
job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go
over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked,
"What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the
end of a bridge!"Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
The Baby A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying,
"I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls
to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a
>police officer approaches the car.
The man says: What's the problem officer?
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm
afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man
gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The man turns to his wife and yells: For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No officer, Only when he's drunk."Holmes & Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal an d a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson po ndered for a minute. "Astronomicall y, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I
can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool.
Some bastard has stolen our tent."For those moments you say to yourself...
(and maybe a little giggle too!)WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting please to come out and give himself up.WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN??
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under
his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer
allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And
a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the
school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the
"zero-intelligence" policy.SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE STRAPS! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed
had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a
6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had
stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.TOO WELL-EDUCATED.
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business
grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not
have happened."
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "That's not what I said!"OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said
police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his
pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.
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